COLUMBIA, Md.—Our foster parents are taught to be “coaches, not wardens,” so that they can effectively work with the at-risk children who we place in their care.
They should also realize that foster children, after years of abuse and neglect, suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder at rates higher than those for combat vets, and that studies show it is far easier to learn when the process involves some fun.
These facts helps explain Trust-Based Relational Intervention (TBRI), a therapeutic model that we began using this year in training for our treatment foster care program, Children of Special and Exeptional Need (CHOSEN). Developed at Texas Christian University (TCU), TBRI mixes nurturing and structure with respect and compliance while being loving and playful.
Kate Oliver, a licensed clinical social worker who heads training of our foster parents, went to TCU to study the model. She says, “The heart of TBRI is connection, empathy and understanding.”
“It has a three-tier approach,” Kate says. “The first is empowerment: making sure that a child’s physical and environmental needs are met. The second is connection: building a trusting and loving connection with the youth. The third is correction: by understanding that a child’s unacceptable behaviors were developed as survival skills, we can teach new coping skills.”
In training foster parents, Kate is informative, sensitive and, at times, blunt.
“Our kids need someone to guide them,” she told a recent class. “Someone to help explain consequences … someone to give them choices …. It’s not going to be easy.” In fact, she said, there’s a good chance that at some point a foster child will say, “I hate you.”
But Kate said, “We never, never, never, never, never say, ‘If this bad behavior continues, I’m going to put in my 30-day notice to have you removed from my house.’” Kate said such a threat could end any chance of a meaningful relationship with the child.
In class, there is “role playing” to prepare foster parents for tough situations like a youth talking back, refusing to do chores or failing to show appreciation. Foster parents are taught to ask for a “re-do” to correct a child without scolding, belittling or punishing them.
In one such case, a staffer portraying a child tells a foster parent, “I’m hungry. Make me a snack.” The foster parent, in a kind voice, responds, “Did you ask me or tell me? Would you like to ask again?” This time the staffer playing the foster child says, “I’m hungry. Could you please make me a snack?”
Sounding like a caring coach, the foster parent responds with a smile, “Sure, I’d be happy to. And I appreciate it that you asked so nice.”